Admission of a Wreck!

This is probably the first blog I'm writing in the sense it is meant to be written you know. Just a normal account of what has happened. Yes, I'm probably writing this out of guilt. A lot of guilt indeed. And I feel horribly sick. I probably wanna run away from here. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me "It's alright babe, I love you ... don't you ever worry". I guess that isn't happening. So I blogged.

Someone please tell me this, is it really wrong to not want something. Maybe - maybe not. But it sure leaves me feeling very awkward. There has been this problem lately, to which of course I expected rather a different reaction from my girlfriend. Maybe she's right, maybe she's not. I don't know. But I sure feel stupid and more like a dick to have told her what to do. And I know she probably will do it ... even though there was so much of hassle, and she somehow didn't want to ( I could tell from her reaction) so I'm thinking ... wow, she's really sweet ... why couldn't I do the same?

I guess, considering everytime something like this has ever happened before in anyone else' relationship (at least the ones I've noticed) the results pretty expected you know ... they couple comes down to a zero ground without much of a hassle. I don't know maybe they don't wanna fight with each other about anything and anyone else. I wouldn't exactly know however know how it plays out ... mostly because of the fact that this has never really happened before to me. So I guess I was just probably expecting the same. I guess I thought, she'll see it through and you know go like "eh, what the hell ... doesn't matter babe!" But oh well maybe, that's NOT how it works.

Now coming to the point where I feel rather retarded for the entire situation. Well, the problem is I always thought I won't end up in a situation like this. And seeing her reaction, I was like "wow, maybe I'm a dick ... and I shouldn't be having problems ... at least not at the cost of her happiness." And she kept on being so ambiguous about it, and I kept on feeling bad that she had to go through it because of me. See what caught me was the fact that I was confused, that at this particular point do I want to be selfish and bother about the fact that IT'LL BOTHER ME - SO LET'S SEE IF IT BOTHERS HER OR NOT or I had the option of LET'S BE SELFLESS - I SHOULD BE MORE UNDERSTANDING.  And I guess I choose the earlier bit. It makes me feel sick. Yes, it does. I feel like this really horrible person. I don't know, maybe it's stupid for me to think that way ... but can I really help it? The answer is No. It will always be there in my mind that I choose this, and she wanted otherwise ... and I decided to be selfish. 

If it matters however, I do believe I'm sorry. I just... I don't know ... didn't think it'd turn out that way ... neither did I think the reaction from the otherside will be such, and I'd end up with such feelings because of it. 

I just want one more day of happiness. And think about day after: Tomorrow. 

I guess my behavior is the perfect catalyst for someone to be ticked at. It's alright, I guess that's alright...it makes sense. I can't complain. I just really hoped she didn't feel that way though. I feel like a prisoner of my own device. If it happened, I would've felt bad ... if it didn't, I still would. 

For all of those reading this (and I know I have a small "readers group") if it doesn't make sense ... I'm sorry ... I really don't think it will, or was suppose to. If it does ... I don't know.

I'm sorry.