Remember Me

A lot has happened since I last wrote. But apparently nothing that really moved me enough to write happened, so I guess I just let things be. But today, as I sit in front of this black box of electronic equipment and I write my heart out again, I have so many things that run through my head - Good, Bad, horrible, and the nicest. How do I write it all down in 3 paragraphs? I have never quite been able to do that anyway. So I guess here goes an attempt.

Anyone who has ever read my blogs before is well aware of the inspirations in various of them, the muse. So as today I write again, it's her. But things have changed over time so much, that today I feel the whole conclusion to this post will be different. But I also have faith in the fact that it will be good. 

We had started fighting a long time back about a year and a half or so ago. But things were different then, reasons were not so strong, we were juvenile in our demands. But that always worked for us you know? A damage that small was always easier to fix. It was a small cut, and the band aid would just do fine. But somehow ego, wants, demands, bedlam, everything came into it's own play, and one fine day she left. It hurt us both, not just me ... I knew for a fact it tore her apart. And I wanted to wait, it hurt too much to let her go. But after a lot of scorns and persuasion and I decided and realized that I had to move on, so I did. Or so I thought. See the problem with moving on is, either you do it entirely, or you don't do it at all. Every time you do something half - baked, it is bound to backfire on you down the line. Irrespective of our decisions made, we kept in touch. It all seemed good back then. If I look back now, I guess I'd still keep it that way. But then, we fought a lot. On a lot of matters. But that was us - One more fight - One more night - One more band aid.

But that's how the story unfolds! So this one fine night, I was out of town, and we were speaking over the telephone, and she asked if I'd want to get back. I honestly knew I did, but I also knew there were so many things to fix that we just would have to or else, this broken house would never be our home. So I said, we have to work things out and see. See, there is the second problem there - thinking emotions will NOT take the better of you. We were at it honestly, trying to mend things. See things through each others eyes ... but habits are hard to lose and impossible to mend. We both came back to our old ways - taking each other for granted, demanding, having exceptions, complaining, etc. And then as I would like to see it, and I firmly believe too, I ran away form the relationship as a coward person would. There were troubles, I figured I made a miscalculation and had jumped to conclusions, and then decided to leave and not live up to my own decision.

I guess, even that is fine. I thought, I messed up one decision, I'll make sure I don't mess up this one. But that's not true, is it now? You can truly never know how hard it is going to be, till it is. The withdraw syndrome is always the worst you know? I knew I needed her, and only her and I knew I couldn't have her right now either. So one fine day, after hurting her all over again, I decide it's about time I tell her I'm gonna stick around and not let her get over me. So I do that very conveniently, in a hope that she'd understand what I did, and why I did it. And we go back to our old arrangement, we work things out before we get back.

But for a change, I thought I'll figure this out. And I made a right decision. I didn't want anything to get too serious, before we got back, because we were good with messing things up. Both of us. We were in love, and we were idiots. But there were technically two mistakes we made. 1. We became too emotionally involved, I guess neither of us could help that; and 2. We just kept on saying "we'll fix this", when honestly that was never happening, or even if was, at such a rate that it was impossible to foresee the outcome. And there followed the fights, the cries, the issues, the scars and the band aids. And one fine day, I said - this isn't right, because band aids aren't fixing anything. 

But see, that's not the entire story. I have my own reasoning behind it. Feelings, understandings, conclusions, I strongly believe in. See there is no 'big picture' that you can look at. There is no cover of the book that you can judge by, you have to read all the chapters to understand what happened and why. Why did I do, what I believe I had to. To start with, I don't know if the decision I made was ever right or not. Seeing my history of wrong and weak decision making, this probably is to. But unlike other times, I've actually learnt something from the past, the niche has changed, and I have decided to be strong. 

There were few things that started to bother me. This whole phase was about fixing things. And I was sure about the fact that I will only give into this if everything is fixed, and I swear to god, I swear on all that I've ever known, I tried, really hard to hold on for the longest that I could've. But the fights, the arguments, they were just getting too overwhelming. Too much for me to handle. There came a time, when I was just fighting couldn't really recall the cause. Didn't know what was I bleeding for, what was that effort all about. But then I thought, it must be just my indecisiveness, my cowardliness, and I tried playing it off. But then the unfathomable happens, you realize you can't. There was just so much blood, so much tension, so much negativity, and I was getting tired of this. I didn't feel the same, and everything else seemed to be a sweet escape. It's almost as if I had worn out, and I didn't have it in me to handle other people's problem about me, us, others, and nothing. I had so much for myself that everyone else's seemed secondary. There was just too much broken to go old ways. It felt as if I am standing on the corner, and I have only these two options left - something or nothing.

In that moment, it wasn't very hard to choose. There were issues, angst, hurt, pain, discontent. We both wanted things our way. We both wanted each other to change to cater to the others demands. But then it hit me, I can't and shouldn't ask someone to be the way I want them to be and then accept them. Because then I'm not really accepting 'them' am I? They want to change because it suits their needs, it's a different thing, but not to please me specifically. And the same applied on her. I couldn't change myself to that extent. And this is human nature, i felt that why should I understand so much when she can't. And I'm assuming, she felt the same. I might be wrong, I probably am, but I always felt that I'm giving more up for this then she is. Might not be true, probably isn't. But that's how I felt. I tried reasoning with all the defenses that were given to me. And I honestly agree with all of it. She did all of that. But then again, it was all a try, never quite the end conclusion. And I guess, after a year and a half ... a try just isn't enough. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but I know it's alright. But I'd rather be honest about it then lie ... I believe if you're trying everyday and still nothing is coming out of it then either you're not trying at all, or not trying hard enough. it's true for me too, I kept on saying I'm trying. But I guess I wasn't ... or else she wouldn't have any issues either. But we bled and bled and bled, till I figured we can't bleed anymore, and I'm the reason she's bleeding for.

It didn't seem right to be ignorant to the truth. I knew she was hurting because of me. Her health was taking a toll, she wasn't happy. She'd complain I don't understand her, that her I always crib when she's with her friends. And that did it, I believed her. And I never imagined that I'd be that guy. I thought I'll make the girl happy, whosoever I'm with. And I choose to quit and let her feel the hurt for now, and be happy in the long run. Rather then let her hurt everyday, and not smile ever. It is wonderful to have a wonderful friend by losing a broken thread, rather then to hold on to that rope till it completely breaks. I knew if I hadn't done this, it would've rotten to the extent, that we'd not ever want to meet each other. 

I know it's hard on her. I can't possibly imagine how upset she might be. But I know, she'd heal. She needs to happy, and I'd rather hurt her in one go then everyday. She deserves better. Maybe that'd be someone else, maybe that'd be me. I don't know, and I'm fine either way. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't find anyone. But if we EVER do end up together again, a year from now, two years, or five ... we'd be different us. And honestly, I wouldn't want the old us. And that was our problem, we wanted the 'us we were' and not the 'us we should be'. We lost it in translation. I wish, I can mend all things, and ease away the pain. But I know I can't. If I do again, we'd fall onto the same old vicious cycle ... and we can't afford that. I wish, I could heal her. Me.
 

This is the last chapter of this book 'seasons'. But I learnt something a long while ago, time moves on always, good bad and bad both happen alike ... in life you have to leave the pages at the end empty for you may not like what happens, but you ought to write it.

I hope that when we'd look back now, it won't be the remembrance of the fights, arguments and cries ... but the memories of the good times we had.