I'll Leave The Light On For You

I think all of us have our fears, shares of it that we share others which we simply keep to ourselves. I'm about complete another major chapter of my life - and fears are unlimited. It's extraordinary how much lives can change overnight. And I mean 'Overnight'. I'm halfway through my 5th semester, and I'm contemplating so many things and I can't even figure out what to do and how to go about it. I have college which I definitely need to finish. My parents would be happy, I'd be shocked, my bucket list would get one more tick. I mean this probably sounds like I'm a gangster and I have no hope - but that's true. I'm a smart motherfucker, I'm just lazy and into too much rushing towards the end of the rainbow types. 

But what really does scare me is losing out on people. I'm very scared that two years down the line my girlfriend will shift another city and would move out. Now there's nothing wrong with that and I want her to do that if that's the smartest thing to do. The only problem is, I just don't want her to be gone forever. Now I know there are many people who'd slit a throat at "Long Distance Relationships", but I know there are many who'd say it works. My parents for example - My father is stationed abroad and mother stays back with the family here in India. It's been almost 2 years like that. But even Ma misses Baba. You know how I know? Because everyday all she does is waits for his phone calls and 10.30 p.m. at night when she can Skype with him and we all collectively await when he comes down for couple weeks a year to visit us. And I get it, my parents are in love and they have never had to stay so far away from each other. It's awful. I can't imagine doing it, imagine them actually sacrificing so much for the family. But coming back to Mallika, i.e., my girlfriend - I quite don't know how I'd react if that situation ever arises. I did however give it a thought few times. I know she's really keen on leaving this town and perhaps go down to Bombay to pursue her masters. Then the question is that of a moral dilemma. I would want her to stay because I know somewhere in my heart it'll give the the closure of compassion and the fact that I'd get to see her, literally whenever I want to. Meet her, take her out, love her, bunk in with her, watch a movie with her, kiss her. But when you think of that in perspective to what's best for her - maybe in that case she should leave. And I'm not really in a position to ask her otherwise. I'd probably be scared (I guess I already am), hurt, angry but I'd be always supporting that decision if made. I think it's natural to feel the negativity - who wants to stay away from those they love? But in time that also heals, people make mends and people stick. 

At the end of the day I guess we're all just scared that we'd be alone. I'm scare I'd be alone. So I know when I come back home and she isn't there and her clothes are scattered all around the floor, I'd leave the lights on for her. I'd let her follow me back when she's found all that she was looking for. I know she'd come back to me. And I'll do I guess what I can - either follow her to where she is, or wait here patiently with my doors open and lights on - hoping she'd see it and come back. Love is more than petty fights and cute conversations. It's gray feelings, mixed emotions and thoughts you're always so scared off. But it's that also. It's also the rainy day we all want to avoid. But then again, sun does come up. 

Mothers!

My mother believes she's Superwomen.

She thinks she can fix everything

and when things can't be fixed 

she thinks she fix that.

She knows that when she tells me that it'll be alright

I'll believe her, because we all know

nothing is better than a mother telling you that.

My mother also believes in things.

Things that only she believes in

and probably are not even believed by my grandmother

but she'd want you to work according to it anyway

she'd tell you

don't leave the house now, wait a bit longer

or get a haircut, your fever will be alright

things only she can make sense of

but it's alright that's what's special about her

My mother doesn't want much,

she wants to be just loved and appreciated

and I think I fail at that at times.
I think there are times I think I'm so grown up

that I really just start behaving like a 13 year old boy

And my mother gets hurt, because she keeps on trying

without fail, and I guess that's what makes her

the mother you need, because she'd love you

even when you're being an asshole.

But my mother knows,

that even though we're fighting

and even though we're at each other's throat

I love her. That's who I am. I've always loved her.

She taught me things that no one else has.

She taught me compassion.

She taught me that love someone. But wholeheartedly.

She taught me to forgive.

She taught me that you can be who you want.

She taught me to be better man.

She taught me, a better man doesn't mean you can't be an asshole.

She taught me, being an asshole doesn't mean you can't a good man.

She's taught me how to be strong when things are falling apart.

She taught me never to lose hope.

She taught me never to lose.

She taught me how to live.

And often times, and mostly always

I forget to tell her how much I love her.

And how much she has taught me. 

But I know she knows.

My mother thinks, she's never wrong.

Now I know where I get that from

but you see, she is 

She is wrong, and she's not perfect

and she makes mistakes.

and there are times when she wont accept it.

And then my mother and I will fight.
But if I can tell you a secret

that's us, that's who we are

we're two people who fight and love

and work in this dysfunctional way.

My mother has a very different opinion on child discipline

It mostly includes

beating the shit out of with a ruler, or maybe belt or maybe

every once in a while if you think taking shower is bitch, why not try drowning the kid.

But you see, that's most of the Bangali parents.

Hell I think that's all of Indian Parents.

So don't judge, my mother loves me.

But my mother is beyond all of that,

she's sometimes over the edge with her inquisitiveness

but I don't really mind cause I know she only wants to fit in

and bridge the generation gap

I've seen my mother go beyond who she is, to make me comfortable

and maybe I'm not the perfect son, actually I'm not

but I am a kid who does like the little things.

My mom thinks she can cook North Indian Food.

She can't. She sucks with it.

But I honestly don't have the heart to tell her.

She still can't get her chapati right.

Why burst her bubble. I don't want that guilt on me.

So maybe there are times when my mother isn't being all epic.

But there are times when she is.

And there times when she's just being "ma"

So when you come to me one day

to tell me I can't change the world,

think twice because my mother has told me otherwise

she maybe sheltered small dreams

but she never let me sleep with a sky that couldn't fit all the stars I wanted

she told me if I wanted the sky, I could have it

and if I could have it, I could work for it.

She never said road to happiness would be easy

she said it'll be worth it.

She also told me, life will get harder

and sometimes for a long long while

and I'd think that this is all that's there to it

but I should wait because things get better

because I can change the world.

So when you come to me to tell me the world's just too big to be changed

remember you're talking to the son of a Superwoman.

  

If I were Love.

If I were love,

I'd be free, I'd be exciting and happy

And be everything from a puppy dog to child with his happy meal toy

Because love is ultimately a feeling of joy and happiness

And a little Labrador and Miniom toys can fix everything. 

If I were love,

I'd know of stories of affairs and scandals

And past and history. 

Sometimes jealousy and lust,

Because love is an experience, some lessons but mostly mistakes. 

Perhaps brighter side is what we crave for,

That's why we look for lessons in our mistakes. 

But if I were love, 

I'd also be butterflies in the stomach

And the "I'll wait for him" throughout everything

I'll be looking for excuses to pass her by

And maybe even sometimes that blush from him saying hi to me.

Because love is many a thing, adulterated isn't one of them. 

If I were love, 

I'd be that first time he held my hand

And she bent for a kiss

Sometimes I could be also when he knew what I meant

Others when he wanted me all to himself.

After all, love is a summer rush we all have felt. 

What if I were love? 

Then I'd be so many future plans and everyday meetings

Unprecedented time spent, and unlimited missing. 

I could be some special night phone schemes,

I could maybe even be Facebook display pictures. 

I mean, what is love if you're not experiencing it. 

If I were love,

I'd be wearing his over grown tshirt and asking for her panties.

And maybe I could also be his aftershave and her favorite perfume. 

Because let's face it, we all love some smell of theirs. 

If I were love, I'd also be the first third base,

And some porn that I couldn't copy but tried anyway. 

If I were love I'd be the first unprotected sex and the first time she almost got pregnant. 

But if I were love, we'd probably not be stupid again and again. And again. Till we figured it out. 

Because that's what I would be. Stupid, learning and experiencing. 

But I know for a fact, that if I were love,

I'd be "I fucking hate your guts"

And "can you please shut up?"

A lot of times "god I need some space".

I occasionally would also become "fuck off"

I mean love has shades you know. I come in varieties. Why discriminate.

And if I actually were love,

Then in the next half an hour I'd be "baby I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" 

And she'd be like "No I'm sorry, you were rightly"

Always I'd end up being the make up kiss, and few times the make up sex. Otherwise I'm just sex.

I mean, who likes shades? Black and white. Always. 

Funnily, If I were love, 

I'd be some favorite couple from some movie

And I'd also be a song that describes the perfect relationship. 

I know I'd know of Zara. Even Men section. 

Or I could be period cycles, tampons and nailpolish brands. 

I could be thing, she needed me to know. 

I think if I were love, 

I'd also be extra effort, worth it feeling. 

A change and betterment too.

Sometimes even crush, build and survive a new person. 

After all, it's the progress that counts. 

If I were love I'd be all of that.

And I'm guaranteeing even more.

If I were love. 

Question is, are you love too?

Batman and Robin

Well unusual and an uncanny name indeed eh? Well, I’ll tell you why … Batman, because lately I have been telling my secret to a lot of people, so I figured I’d come outta the closet finally. Yes world, I AM Bruce Bayne, a.k.a. Nirjhar Bhattacharjee, a.k.a. Batman. Robin, because that was her name. NO, I am not here to discuss how accurately my life has been portrayed in The Dark Knight Rises, nor am I here to tell you about the comics. I have however a treat for all my readers here. And of course, when I say treat, I do intend to make a note that I’m taking a risk of comfort in stating the same. So apparently, this reader, and I’m hoping a fan, considering the nice message she had sent, asked me to write about something not from now, or today, or how things are in life. But about how they were, and how it felt. She asked me to write of my ‘first love’. Dear anonymous, firstly thank you for all that review you gave me. I’m obliged you read all that I had written, and well appreciate it. As everyone can see I’m not really a writer, or story teller. My failed attempts at writing are not more than anything but diary entries, so to all the readers kindly read it as that. As for love, well here we go:

Well, I practically believe and I know for a fact because I have seen it happen to me, that love happens to all of us for more than once. And to all those who’d debate that it were only infatuation, well I beg to differ. I mean, if a couple who were happily married for tenure of 20 years, but learnt that they have reached a point in this relationship where they no longer can feel about each other in the same way and wish to continue their kin-some relationship in a different context, and if it acts a prelude to a new relationship which prospers, of which there exist several real life accounts, do we discard it as stating infatuation or we give it a real sight thought of something magical. Something new. Well I’ll stick to my guns; let’s see if I can make you drop yours with that argument.

Irrespective, this really isn’t an argument; it’s more like a relapse to seventh grade. Now the story is rather funny, weird and always of so much of heart. I met her when I was in 5^th grade, and she had joined late in the year. We both were in American International School in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Well now in all honestly, I wasn’t exactly what you call on the top of the social ladder, hell I wasn’t even THERE on the social anything. I was like bad mix of Howard, Leonard and Sheldon – but with a life they’d really expect … you know social seclusion and all that. Such was elementary schooling … oh them days. So since 5^th grade till 7^th early-ish bit of it she didn’t like me. ONE BIT. And not just her, everyone. But well that did change in middle school, but that’s beside the point. By the time I came to seventh grade, life was much easier, I wasn’t the social masterpiece but well, at least there was some social convention and protocols that I could follow. You know how that goes, just go with the flow.

Now this is probably huge for a confession, but I don’t know, I don’t ever have considered this, but I don’t agree to this as a strong hypothesis: It wasn’t cheating. Here’s the story. So I had broken up with this girl, and I don’t know how but I started dating this other girl – VERY sweet, still is. And we’re good friends till date, but like after seeing her for 3 days, I was suppose to go for class trip to Hrishikesh, India – and so we did. The flight to New Delhi was no issue. Robin here on the other hand still doesn’t like me. Not ONE BIT! And neither did at the starting of the train journey. But as we were travelling down to Hrishikesh, she was sitting with Tanveer right behind me. Tan and I use to be damn good friends back then, think of it I do miss him a lot. Anyway, so out of poke and fun, we kinda kicked into a conversation, and I think that was it, it just hit me. That I don’t know what, but I really liked her. And I wanted to go ahead with it and be with her. And as weird as it seems, all the walls came down and there it was the naked truth. We both apparently liked each other. I don’t know what happened to the hatred that existed about like say 15 minutes away. But sure as hell I’m glad it did. So I can’t recall this part properly, but I believe I asked her out just RIGHT before we reached Hrishikesh, she had issues with that. Clearly, I was still seeing Suzanne. But then I promised, I’d go back and “fix it all” and I’d break it off afterwards, which I of course did and for a brief period, Suzanne did think I’m a dick. But since neither of us did anything, and it was I don’t know, just something I knew I had to, I don’t really think it’s cheating it was like four days long trip. 

Again so much I rattle on and on about long - arse stories, but this really isn’t about how we met, and how we were, I mean they might find certain mentions in this entry but that’s not the point. The point is Robin, and things I remember of her, and things that was precisely asked to me by ‘anonymous’ to write about: First Love.

So well it’s a lot things that kinda build up to it you know? I mean I had dated before (^clearly!) but the funny thing is, the only reason I really consider it to be you know the first time I ever felt that feeling is because I think it was for the first time that it was you know, genuine. I mean I was in seventh grade, dating was really just about a tag, a social competition, or getting some action. But then again, it wasn’t like that with Robin. It was different. In my entire life, and kid you not, there has been till date only twice that I’ve changed to and for better, and she was the first, the latter of course, the credentials of which belongs to Arushi! But in the first go, for the first time I realized relationships were more than a status symbol. It was actually about how you felt about someone. Well so there it was. She changed me, I realized it’s about that gutted feeling you get when you see someone, when it makes you almost wanna throw up, and surprisingly that’s not even the best part of the day. Where when they’d walk past you, it’d do wonders! When they’d hold your hands, you’d get happy and nervous, like happy nervous. You know? It wasn’t like summer love, but they’re the nicest you know? It was back then, real – For me at least. You know? I mean we lasted the summer only, because after that she shifted to Trinidad and Tobago, if I am not wrong, and I shifted to India (which was the last I heard from her – yep haven’t heard from her in almost 7 years now. Tried small talking, no replies – eh, don’t wanna come off as creepy now do I? Chances are this blog entry won’t help in that manner).

Things I remember of her – Hmmm, almost like nostalgia – you know? So many of them … Blonde hair, short, freckles, skin like porcelain, that distinctive smell of hers that I somehow remember, but I’m assuming that’s perhaps because olfactory senses are the strongest a human being possesses and the maximum memory relapse is due to a strong attachment or recollection of a smell. Her wet hair tied in a pony (I think that’s what it’s called) in the morning, they way it’d soak itself on my t-shirt in the morning when she’d clasp me so hard to hug her. The light blue jeans she had, and the very light umm, baby purple if any exists, like colored t-shirt. They way she’d laugh at odd things that I’d say. For the first time, someone was really proud of me. Never happened before that, you know? I felt very secure, protected, wanted and happy. I still remember the first time she kissed me on my cheeks, she and her girlies were swimming and she was heading off to the shower room and I was sitting at the bleachers talking to her afterschool, she called me close and kissed me on the cheeks. Cheesy, but I don’t know still recollect that. The way I felt when broke up and weren't getting back post the Hrisheskh trip, and they way I so wanted to ask her for out. How I did do so during the school dance. She was wearing a white t-shirt and a black skirt. That slow dance, the song I can’t recollect, but the first time she kept her head on my shoulder and I knew it then … this is just what I needed. She was my tiny dancer (yes, it’s a reference to the song that I’m listening to right now). The way I’d stay back in school, because I’d want to walk her home everyday, and there wouldn’t be another bus till like 4.30 p.m. so I’d get stuck for hours in school. How it didn’t matter. Her fancy curtains made out of sea shells that I broke and she got so pissed off. Her dog. How her father hated me. So did her brother. I loved her mom, feeling seemed mutual. Her room. How she scolded me when I had a 2.8 GPA. How she actually now that I look back took care of me. Watching ‘Apollo 13’ with her in Mr.Gayer or Ms.Luby’s class? A month before we knew we’d have to leave. And this wasn’t exactly the last-forever type of a thing! The insane bitter feeling. The last day when I was at Prateek’s place and we drove to hers. And I knew this would be the last bit of it. How she was laying on my lap. When I was leaving for home, and I just didn’t want to sit in the car. How I wanted to hug her one last time. That kiss I never did. The fights we had. The first ever e-mail she ever sent me. I still have a printed copy of it. That’s freaking 7 year old mail, look at that! Her middle name was ‘Felicity’. Her surname was a mix of Mr. Kerr and Mrs. Jones – Her parents (or the other way around). That last dance on her farewell party – ‘Here without you’. The truth or dare game that night. The just talking. Coming back to India and listening to this ‘Alter Bridge’ song that I don’t know what’s called anymore. That weird gift I got her, because I didn’t have money on me, and I was too scared to ask Ma about cash, because we Indians don’t really date when you know we’re 13-14 years old! Sorry about that, but I meant anything that I must’ve meant what I had said while giving it … if it counts!

Well, most of you reading, especially if (the margin of which is probably 0.0006 percent) Robin reading it, I don’t want you to think it’s creepy. I mean, even to all the readers … it’s just my first time of an experience of anything of that sort. It was candid, emotional, I mean you know? It was not the mom-and dad sort of love, heck it wasn’t the one that was like with you guys’ relationships with your respective partners, or mine and Arushi’s. Very juvenile. But very real, and heart melting. So I hope I don’t come off as creepy and now that think back, so many things run in my head of those days … things I can remember, oh boy! No wonder I’m majoring in History!

Anyway, that’s a good synopsis of her, what all I remember, and why these memories are special, and why it is you know the ‘first love’ sort of a thing. She taught me how to love someone. And I think it made me a better person, not materialistic sly, nor and over emotional freak. Just the right one. The one which made me meet the ones I never thought I would. This is not in ill taste of anyone I’ve seen afterwards, so kindly take it as that, it’s simply a requested recollection, and as I can say a fun activity to do so! Post which, I only feel battered, and deprived of an attachment. I really wish I was someone’s first love, I mean I might not be accurate, but someone would feel something close by, you know within the close proximity of how I have had felt … I’d be more than happy! Well, anyway … don’t worry about the punctuation, most of it was intentional, and thank you for reading (if you’ve reached this far – or at least wanted to!), and do like, share and feedbacks are the best!

Also, I’m attaching a list of songs that I’ve played throughout the write up of this article stretched over two nights (got late, had college in the morning had to sleep by four in the morning. And in order of course):

1.  What makes you beautiful - Boyce Avenue Cover
 
2.  Blurry - Puddle of Mud
 
3.  Hysteria - Muse
 
4.  Teenage Dream - Some beautiful voice, very manly look girl's cover.
 
5.  Jet Lag - Simple Plan Feat. Natasha Bedinfield
 
6.  Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
 
7.  Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes feat. Adam Lavine
 
8.  Close to my fire - Slack Wax (BMW Ads)
 
9.  Suddenly I see - KT Tunstall
 
10.Yaarian - Mohan Kanan and Shilpa Roa
 
11.Payphone - Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa
 
12.Hedwig's Theme - Harry Potter OST
 
13.Coat of Many Colors - Dolly Parton
 
14.Best of You - Boyce Avenue Cover
 
15.Tiny Dancer - Elton John
 
16.Rough Landing Holly (Acoustic) - Yellowcard
 
17.Still your song - Goo Goo Dolls
 
18.Flightless Bird, American Mouth (Wedding Version)- Iron and Wine
 
19.Thunder - Boys like Girls
 
20.9 Crimes – Damien Rice
 
21.Our Song – Goodnight Nurse
 
22.Hanging by A Moment – Lifehouse
 
23.The Reason - Hoobastank
 
 

 
 
 
 

 

A Candid Conversation: Brain and Heart

Lazy night, not boring in particular, but extremely slow. It's 3.38 a.m. as I type and usually by the lull that I'm currently observing with no one on facebook chatting up, hardly 30-40 people online, the air conditioner cold enough to give me "chillys", pretty relaxed about the work (Currently making the Background guide for a Security Council I'm Vice Chairing, discussing Cuban Missile Crisis) and pretty much not sleepy, I'd safely assume it's 4.30 a.m. or more in the morning, but apparently! Ah well, I can't complain ... so I figured, I'd finish this piece that I had started earlier. Anyway, do read on, comment, like, and share on facebook. :)

Oh Brain! Baby it happened again,

I guess I should've listened to you.

But I promise you it's for the last time,

Hold on to my words for they're true!

Here you come running again,

Burned, bruised and hurting in pain.

What happened to all those last times,

that you had promised again and again?

For I was a fool, I couldn't understand

What you meant was only for my good!

But then I couldn't control myself

That feeling took over my mood.

I told you from the beginning,

you'd only lose your heart!

But of course what do I know of love?

You questioned my knowledge from the start!

Oh forgive me brain,

I was lost in the heat of the moment.

Once bitten twice shy,

It won't happen again and you know it!

Really heart, really?

Because I believe twice has a limited impression!

You've been bitten more and shameless time and again

For you don't learn your lesson!

But this time I really thought,

that I could make it work.

That she was the one I was looking for,

and this could be a brand new start. 

But that's how you feel everytime,

How does it change anything?

I told you not to fall for her,

And you went for the fling!

Ah! What do I tell you now,

she had the looks of an angel!
When she spoke my heart would melt,

and no longer could we be strangers!

Dear lord! She was nice, I never denied that,

but so was you guys' temper.

On and on you guys would fight,

And then that feeling became fainter!

I couldn't see, I couldn't tell

I just wanted to make it work out.

I thought we had one last shot,

And I traveled far too long in that route!

Oh I know darling, I know you tried,

to make it work and be happy!
But if happiness is not what you breathe,

Relationships can be a little tricky!

She made me smile, she made happy,

And I caused her so much pain!
But in the end it wasn't for us,

It was her as a friend, or all in vain!

For a change, you thought with "me",

and look where it took you!

You both might be hurt and in agony,

But I know it's not short of a Thank You!

Probably you're right, I should've listened

But I guess I just wasn't in the position.

But I know now what it is like,

Next time I'll have better reasons!

Oh like you mean those words, 

Of the ones that you say!
I wish you truly knew what it meant,

So listen to me, If I may?

Oh dear brain, forgive me,

I chose to be curious,

I can travel unseen roads with my sight

but think only with your sights of obvious!

Oh we'll remember her,

for she's such a fond title!

But don't ache like that because it's over,

Being strong right now is vital!

You're right, I'll make my peace,

I'll start a brand new chapter!
Never again shall I fall in love,

And foretell my happily ever after!

I know I will hear it again,

your stories of blushes and freed dove!

But come here let me clean you till then,

And stop you from bleeding love! 

A Street With No Name

Life has been kind of crazy lately, anyone who has read my last post would know that! But even beyond that, everything has been kind of crazy lately, with my father leaving the country for a while, my mom's health, work pressure, etc. And I honestly have been looking for certain activities, ah hell! any activity to keep myself wholesomely occupied with work. I love workload, it helps me be distracted and keep me and my mind off of the wrong things.

But, this post isn't about aforementioned (^) that content. I mean, that's important to be mentioned (and you'll find out why soon, so keep reading) and thus I did. It's about Kuzart Lane, a beautiful entrepreneurial venture started off by few fellas'. It's a prefect set up, and I have been to this part of Hauz Khas Village, New Delhi before ... but it never seemed quite so beautiful! I don't know if it's the ambiance, or the love. 

Anyway, with everything being at their devastating best, I came across this cafe called the Kuzart Lane. What happened was I had gone to attend an invitation at my friend, Pallav's house and then another of my friend Shivang who knew of this place took us there. And I think, it was just the right moment to know of that place you know? Cause we sat there for hours and just played music (Shivang is a phenomenal singer - must listen to him sometimes, and Arpit is excellent himself - have to listen to him too!), and the time just passed by so quickly. It was, is ... my sweet escape. That one part of the town, where I go to relax. Get some space for myself ... feel happy, elated. :)

But I can't really tell what clicks there you know? Is it the ambiance? Can be, a brilliant showcase for young talent who are showing off their art work, which is out of the world. As you walk through the lane towards the main shop, you see a scenery of magnificent hard-work and emotions ... my friend Shantam Goyal has put up some of his work there - and I insist whosoever has a chance, do go ahead and give it a glimpse. :) . Might also be the cafe, which has been solely done up by the owners themselves (or so am I told), the whole opportunity for sitting there, catching up, playing some songs, reminiscing the good times. It's perfect. Or is it, the food ... that also can be the case you see, they have phenomenal food. Have to try this off-the-record coffee. Ice American if I'm not wrong about the name ... it's the best heat beater you can have. And I have heard a lot about the "Hulk Burger". Haven't tried it yet, but I'm assuming that day aint to far away either. A little low on money now, but as soon as the MUN season start, I'm having that burger. :)

OR, is it the love. Which I sincerely believe might be the cause for it. Rukhsana Aunty, or as I call her - AUNTY! Who is currently managing the cafe, is woman, who at once makes you feel so close, so kin, so candid that you want to sit there, interact, enjoy. For me she was someone who seemed so nice and gentle, who let me and my friend sit there and literally customize the shop to the extent where we felt it was our shop almost. There were other customers who had come, but she didn't care ... she let us be. And there we were making music, enjoying ourselves. And pretty much jeopardizing the date of that couple who sat behind us, or in front of us ... I don't know ... we were all over the place, but I can tell, they had a hellovatime themselves. Not that bad for a date if you ask me. Or it can also be the fact, that aunty allows you to be close enough to her to have conversations that I personally don't think too many people have with strangers. The way she allowed me to walk into her life, and tell me about her father and how he had been diagnosed with cancer, and her invariably the most raw feeling of pain, the way she spelt it out to me ... it was touching, it was like she was willing to take a leap of faith and give me, and everyone who comes there to not just be part of this moment on that day, but be a part of a journey everyday.

So maybe it's the ambience, the name, the food, the fact that you can sit out and smoke in peace, the quietness of the place, simply Rukhsana Aunty, or just the fact that you can relax and unwind, forget and forgive. You, yes you my readers HAVE to go to Kuzart Lane - Do visit.

Remember Me

A lot has happened since I last wrote. But apparently nothing that really moved me enough to write happened, so I guess I just let things be. But today, as I sit in front of this black box of electronic equipment and I write my heart out again, I have so many things that run through my head - Good, Bad, horrible, and the nicest. How do I write it all down in 3 paragraphs? I have never quite been able to do that anyway. So I guess here goes an attempt.

Anyone who has ever read my blogs before is well aware of the inspirations in various of them, the muse. So as today I write again, it's her. But things have changed over time so much, that today I feel the whole conclusion to this post will be different. But I also have faith in the fact that it will be good. 

We had started fighting a long time back about a year and a half or so ago. But things were different then, reasons were not so strong, we were juvenile in our demands. But that always worked for us you know? A damage that small was always easier to fix. It was a small cut, and the band aid would just do fine. But somehow ego, wants, demands, bedlam, everything came into it's own play, and one fine day she left. It hurt us both, not just me ... I knew for a fact it tore her apart. And I wanted to wait, it hurt too much to let her go. But after a lot of scorns and persuasion and I decided and realized that I had to move on, so I did. Or so I thought. See the problem with moving on is, either you do it entirely, or you don't do it at all. Every time you do something half - baked, it is bound to backfire on you down the line. Irrespective of our decisions made, we kept in touch. It all seemed good back then. If I look back now, I guess I'd still keep it that way. But then, we fought a lot. On a lot of matters. But that was us - One more fight - One more night - One more band aid.

But that's how the story unfolds! So this one fine night, I was out of town, and we were speaking over the telephone, and she asked if I'd want to get back. I honestly knew I did, but I also knew there were so many things to fix that we just would have to or else, this broken house would never be our home. So I said, we have to work things out and see. See, there is the second problem there - thinking emotions will NOT take the better of you. We were at it honestly, trying to mend things. See things through each others eyes ... but habits are hard to lose and impossible to mend. We both came back to our old ways - taking each other for granted, demanding, having exceptions, complaining, etc. And then as I would like to see it, and I firmly believe too, I ran away form the relationship as a coward person would. There were troubles, I figured I made a miscalculation and had jumped to conclusions, and then decided to leave and not live up to my own decision.

I guess, even that is fine. I thought, I messed up one decision, I'll make sure I don't mess up this one. But that's not true, is it now? You can truly never know how hard it is going to be, till it is. The withdraw syndrome is always the worst you know? I knew I needed her, and only her and I knew I couldn't have her right now either. So one fine day, after hurting her all over again, I decide it's about time I tell her I'm gonna stick around and not let her get over me. So I do that very conveniently, in a hope that she'd understand what I did, and why I did it. And we go back to our old arrangement, we work things out before we get back.

But for a change, I thought I'll figure this out. And I made a right decision. I didn't want anything to get too serious, before we got back, because we were good with messing things up. Both of us. We were in love, and we were idiots. But there were technically two mistakes we made. 1. We became too emotionally involved, I guess neither of us could help that; and 2. We just kept on saying "we'll fix this", when honestly that was never happening, or even if was, at such a rate that it was impossible to foresee the outcome. And there followed the fights, the cries, the issues, the scars and the band aids. And one fine day, I said - this isn't right, because band aids aren't fixing anything. 

But see, that's not the entire story. I have my own reasoning behind it. Feelings, understandings, conclusions, I strongly believe in. See there is no 'big picture' that you can look at. There is no cover of the book that you can judge by, you have to read all the chapters to understand what happened and why. Why did I do, what I believe I had to. To start with, I don't know if the decision I made was ever right or not. Seeing my history of wrong and weak decision making, this probably is to. But unlike other times, I've actually learnt something from the past, the niche has changed, and I have decided to be strong. 

There were few things that started to bother me. This whole phase was about fixing things. And I was sure about the fact that I will only give into this if everything is fixed, and I swear to god, I swear on all that I've ever known, I tried, really hard to hold on for the longest that I could've. But the fights, the arguments, they were just getting too overwhelming. Too much for me to handle. There came a time, when I was just fighting couldn't really recall the cause. Didn't know what was I bleeding for, what was that effort all about. But then I thought, it must be just my indecisiveness, my cowardliness, and I tried playing it off. But then the unfathomable happens, you realize you can't. There was just so much blood, so much tension, so much negativity, and I was getting tired of this. I didn't feel the same, and everything else seemed to be a sweet escape. It's almost as if I had worn out, and I didn't have it in me to handle other people's problem about me, us, others, and nothing. I had so much for myself that everyone else's seemed secondary. There was just too much broken to go old ways. It felt as if I am standing on the corner, and I have only these two options left - something or nothing.

In that moment, it wasn't very hard to choose. There were issues, angst, hurt, pain, discontent. We both wanted things our way. We both wanted each other to change to cater to the others demands. But then it hit me, I can't and shouldn't ask someone to be the way I want them to be and then accept them. Because then I'm not really accepting 'them' am I? They want to change because it suits their needs, it's a different thing, but not to please me specifically. And the same applied on her. I couldn't change myself to that extent. And this is human nature, i felt that why should I understand so much when she can't. And I'm assuming, she felt the same. I might be wrong, I probably am, but I always felt that I'm giving more up for this then she is. Might not be true, probably isn't. But that's how I felt. I tried reasoning with all the defenses that were given to me. And I honestly agree with all of it. She did all of that. But then again, it was all a try, never quite the end conclusion. And I guess, after a year and a half ... a try just isn't enough. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but I know it's alright. But I'd rather be honest about it then lie ... I believe if you're trying everyday and still nothing is coming out of it then either you're not trying at all, or not trying hard enough. it's true for me too, I kept on saying I'm trying. But I guess I wasn't ... or else she wouldn't have any issues either. But we bled and bled and bled, till I figured we can't bleed anymore, and I'm the reason she's bleeding for.

It didn't seem right to be ignorant to the truth. I knew she was hurting because of me. Her health was taking a toll, she wasn't happy. She'd complain I don't understand her, that her I always crib when she's with her friends. And that did it, I believed her. And I never imagined that I'd be that guy. I thought I'll make the girl happy, whosoever I'm with. And I choose to quit and let her feel the hurt for now, and be happy in the long run. Rather then let her hurt everyday, and not smile ever. It is wonderful to have a wonderful friend by losing a broken thread, rather then to hold on to that rope till it completely breaks. I knew if I hadn't done this, it would've rotten to the extent, that we'd not ever want to meet each other. 

I know it's hard on her. I can't possibly imagine how upset she might be. But I know, she'd heal. She needs to happy, and I'd rather hurt her in one go then everyday. She deserves better. Maybe that'd be someone else, maybe that'd be me. I don't know, and I'm fine either way. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't find anyone. But if we EVER do end up together again, a year from now, two years, or five ... we'd be different us. And honestly, I wouldn't want the old us. And that was our problem, we wanted the 'us we were' and not the 'us we should be'. We lost it in translation. I wish, I can mend all things, and ease away the pain. But I know I can't. If I do again, we'd fall onto the same old vicious cycle ... and we can't afford that. I wish, I could heal her. Me.
 

This is the last chapter of this book 'seasons'. But I learnt something a long while ago, time moves on always, good bad and bad both happen alike ... in life you have to leave the pages at the end empty for you may not like what happens, but you ought to write it.

I hope that when we'd look back now, it won't be the remembrance of the fights, arguments and cries ... but the memories of the good times we had. 

If I lay here

One of my favorite most TV drama shows had one of my favorite most episode, and I'm sure a lot of people would agree to the same.The show in itself, being a legend in the medium of silver screen, and has rendered itself to various sorts of critical acclaims post the premiering of this episode.

Which show am I talking about? Grey's Anatomy. And episode? The Season 2: Finale. The whole show seemed to be so complete with this particular episode. It just seemed like it all came together. The feeling of betrayal, anger, hurt, pain, hatred, love, lust, and above them all ... forgiveness. The true constituents of drama, in one show, in one tightly packed one-hour long run, and it all came down to ONE song, ONE end. Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol).

I firmly believe that, Chasing Cars owes its following and popularity to this particular feature, but the theory isn't one way, it works the other way around also. The finale could've been just one long episode with tears and longing and theatrical end, but would miss out on the most important part, an impact. So loud, so vibrant, that it would set the benchmark for the following seasons to come (which to a large extent, Grey's Anatomy failed to deliver) and for other shows to follow. Nonetheless, Grey's Anatomy Season 2 delivered and it shall remain pristine in that paramount structure of its own!

But this article, is not necessarily just about the show. It's a very personal entry. I mean of course, the song triggered the whole episode I had watched back in I believe 2005 or '06, but also how this song came about as a factor for so many things in life. My life. I have grown up listening to this song, and have somehow always managed to find myself lost in this particular limbo, which fascinates me beyond imagination. It reminds me of so many things, lessons, and most importantly of my life. So further on in this particular article, I shall touch upon both the serial and the personal impact of this particular episode.

So how does this function, well season two was full of insane drama, that honestly was quite grasping. It had various storyline running in the same plot, and the beauty of the finale (and technically the purpose also) was that it all came together in the end, the connected all the dots, and finished on that high volatile, emotionally charged note. You had the whole Addison-Derek-Meredith triangle going on, and it kept on getting more and more complex till the last episode where all the decisions are made, and then you had Izzie and Alex's relationship which would've turned out in this particular way (particularly positive) but then the whole Danny plot came in, and I think that was the catalyst of the whole season finale. And the Preston-Christina relationship also took quite turns. But as noted earlier, the last 3 minutes of the episode, when the ball is taking place, it all comes down. That my friends, is the time when the whole "Chasing Cars" starts playing. The remote background music of the strumming of the guitar, along with the drama packed ending is at it's best, and finishes at a very emotionally charged note of Danny's death, and which leaves Izzie scarred, and any fan could feel her pain, because all of us have been through that, that moment, when you're not okay with how it happened, when it's not fair, but it happens anyway.


How I connect to this episode, and especially this song specifically is as follows. For one, Grey's Anatomy has always been one of my favorite most drama shows to be telecasted. Not just because of it's drama, but the storyline, and the format, and character development, etc. I have sang this song to many people, I really like this song, but mostly because, of all the people I have sang this to, it includes one very special person, for reasons that can never end. This song also works into a very intricate storyline in my life, as it almost depicts this particular situation I have seen up close. 

I always found this sort of a meaning in this song to be honest, something that I could relate to at different times in my own life, some cryptic message that I always read through. This decrypting might not be up the best of it's standards, and to be honest is very personalized, and probably will be biased, for I tried to look for the meaning that fitted me best and the dynamics of the old meanings that I had always figured from this. It's rather a mixture of time and space. I believe, I chose to decipher this in this particular context because it suited my needs and reasons the best, hence anyone who begs to differ can do so, it's just the way I saw it.

To me, this song talks about this, painful, rather strong relationship between two people who try very hard to make it work, and they know they belong with each other, but just now now. The couple concerned here are trying so hard to figure out what to do, both of them giving each other direction towards that perfection, but being exhausted by the strength it takes ("I need your grace, to remind me, to find my own"). It's about that couple who know what they have, but still can't get it. It's not there yet, that failure which doesn't amount to a loss, yet in itself is a reason to count for pain of longing, it's about not having what you need ("Those three words, are said too much, but not enough"). The lack of comprehension of though is also clearly defined in this song. It talks of that stage in that relationship, where want is there, but lack of will is also evident. When nothing can quite justify or clear out rhyme and reason behind the plan of action. Even though it's quite vivid in it's nature in the singers head, but the singer knows that despite it being so clear, the articulation of the though lacks comprehension and structuring, that it is not to be understood by the others, to which the singer accepts the singers fault, and goes on to state the inner-most best way to explain his feelings ("I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel").
 
The chorus in it's dynamic most structure, in regards to the tune, the melody, the lyrics, never fails to amuse me. I always refer that the person who's singing this song is begging the other person to stay, to not leave, to state that it's not over. It's dysfunctional, but it's how it is. Where everyone will tell the other person otherwise, about what is to be done, what is the norm, but the person singing the song just is begging for that understanding the share to be evoked. For the other person to understand, that they're not the only one in pain, they are too! That plead can be clearly understood from these lines ("If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?). The second chorus sees the addition of these lines which support the earlier and pleads for that comfort before all is lost, that dysfunctionality to work, before all that can be done is broken ("Forget what we're told, before we get too old, and show me a garden that's bursting into life").

And with this, I bid adieu on this entry, hope you all read it, and liked it, and if you please, do leave your valuable comments in regards to the writing, or content, or your own take on this. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.


Regards,

Nirjhar Bhattacharya