I'll Leave The Light On For You

I think all of us have our fears, shares of it that we share others which we simply keep to ourselves. I'm about complete another major chapter of my life - and fears are unlimited. It's extraordinary how much lives can change overnight. And I mean 'Overnight'. I'm halfway through my 5th semester, and I'm contemplating so many things and I can't even figure out what to do and how to go about it. I have college which I definitely need to finish. My parents would be happy, I'd be shocked, my bucket list would get one more tick. I mean this probably sounds like I'm a gangster and I have no hope - but that's true. I'm a smart motherfucker, I'm just lazy and into too much rushing towards the end of the rainbow types. 

But what really does scare me is losing out on people. I'm very scared that two years down the line my girlfriend will shift another city and would move out. Now there's nothing wrong with that and I want her to do that if that's the smartest thing to do. The only problem is, I just don't want her to be gone forever. Now I know there are many people who'd slit a throat at "Long Distance Relationships", but I know there are many who'd say it works. My parents for example - My father is stationed abroad and mother stays back with the family here in India. It's been almost 2 years like that. But even Ma misses Baba. You know how I know? Because everyday all she does is waits for his phone calls and 10.30 p.m. at night when she can Skype with him and we all collectively await when he comes down for couple weeks a year to visit us. And I get it, my parents are in love and they have never had to stay so far away from each other. It's awful. I can't imagine doing it, imagine them actually sacrificing so much for the family. But coming back to Mallika, i.e., my girlfriend - I quite don't know how I'd react if that situation ever arises. I did however give it a thought few times. I know she's really keen on leaving this town and perhaps go down to Bombay to pursue her masters. Then the question is that of a moral dilemma. I would want her to stay because I know somewhere in my heart it'll give the the closure of compassion and the fact that I'd get to see her, literally whenever I want to. Meet her, take her out, love her, bunk in with her, watch a movie with her, kiss her. But when you think of that in perspective to what's best for her - maybe in that case she should leave. And I'm not really in a position to ask her otherwise. I'd probably be scared (I guess I already am), hurt, angry but I'd be always supporting that decision if made. I think it's natural to feel the negativity - who wants to stay away from those they love? But in time that also heals, people make mends and people stick. 

At the end of the day I guess we're all just scared that we'd be alone. I'm scare I'd be alone. So I know when I come back home and she isn't there and her clothes are scattered all around the floor, I'd leave the lights on for her. I'd let her follow me back when she's found all that she was looking for. I know she'd come back to me. And I'll do I guess what I can - either follow her to where she is, or wait here patiently with my doors open and lights on - hoping she'd see it and come back. Love is more than petty fights and cute conversations. It's gray feelings, mixed emotions and thoughts you're always so scared off. But it's that also. It's also the rainy day we all want to avoid. But then again, sun does come up. 

Bits & pieces of yesterday we'll have tomorrow.

It's forty minutes past twelve. Not much to do at this time, else than sleeping, until and unless of course you're being a retard like me and posting things up here, without much of any readers.! I remember this particular Graduation Speech that really moved me. "THE TWILIGHT SAGE: ECLIPSE"'s speech by Jessica. It's by far one of THE most influential speech of all time. Considering i'm a senior myself, and there aint much of anytime left for us to graduate. I really don't know how to really handle it all.

It seems like just yesterday that i had joined this school. Middle school seemed so scary. Coming from a different background, not being able to speak in Hindi, the most valuable asset found in India, really messed up a lot of things. But all that seems, just yesterday. Today, I'm a senior, who's on his way to finish this HUGE chapter of the Fat Arse book "Life" and is about to go to the next one. 

When i look back at this though, so many memories come back. It's hard to tell which is the bad one and which is the good one, cause, standing here and looking back, it ALL seems so worth it.All those fights. No i really mean fights not those bitchy 'lil kiss-and-make-up-stories . . . i quite mean the part where you don't want to see each other's face so bad, that you'd "ACTUALLY" skip school just so that you don't see it. And yet end up going and mess around with them. And all of those . . . deciding who's who, which girl is out of bound, which girl is not worth any bounds, and stepping all over that line of bound to see what if the out-of-bound works out. Standing in front of the canteen (and may i remind you, not a cafeteria, but canteen) and asking for "TEN RUPEES" knowing you have more that One Thousand Rupees in you wallet. Finding that one friend, who you can always bully, with them knowing you'd never harm them. And Finding that one friend who you'd ALWAYS want to hurt, but won't because you love them.

Being a Senior is quite amazing. Because, right now . . . Is the time we all want to make all of the mistakes and want somebody else to correct it for us. But when they do we want to tell them, "Back off, it's my life, and i know my highway directions pretty good". Even funnier, we know we're still screwing up. But this is the most innocent and bold time to fall, crumble, and to get back up. 'Cause this is the time, when mistakes aren't just mistakes, it's a lesson. 

One aspect of being senior that NEVER fails to show it's importance is THE Love. See you can always fall in love up above or down below of the "SENIOR" tag, but quite NOTHING like the High School Love.Quite nothing like loving someone now, and knowing it will last forever. Maybe it wont, but trust me it always leaves a very pleasant memory. Plus the statistic shows, most of the couple that end up being together forever, start here. Right now we're so up on our hormones, that nothing seems wrong, all the wrongs can be corrected, and all that needs to be wronged can be ignored. Who you love now, will always leave an impression in you life and how you shape it. Love now, and live forever. 

Good Memories, aren't they? But sadly, Memories, which means separation is on it's way. Sucks To say it, but in few more months, we will all move on. Some will stay connected, some will try to, others like most of us will move on. And it sucks the most when that happens. But it IS something that will. Down the line, we won't remember each other's face, name, number and we wouldn't care. That will be the time we'll look back and smile at these memories and say, oh that girl, yeah she rejected me, that was funny. Or oh yeah that guy, i screwed his case, and i slapped him, that was funny. Trust me that guy will also laugh about getting slapped.

So as of now, live these last few days as much as you can. Cause they won't last forever. Make these bitter-sweet memories. Make life. Cause someday, this will all be  gone. No more secretly meeting up your girlfriend, and not telling your parent your grades, and no more hiding behind an excuse and expect everything to turn up right. Don't wait for it to happen, let it. :)

TO ALL THOSE WHO READ THIS. 

THANK YOU.

TO ALL THOSE WHO WILL. COMMENT XD